review: my thoughts on birds.

It’s Friday, which means I’ll be reviewing something. Stop. Don’t go! I won’t bother reviewing things as humdrum as books or movies or music. No. My reviews will make your lives better. You’ll see.

In this edition of Friday Reviews (OMG so clever), I’ll be reviewing birds. Oh, I’ve got your interest now, have I? Thought so.

5 Fun Facts About Birds

  1. They’re really inappropriate. Does your mom or husband poop on your car? I hope not. But a bird will, because they’re jerks.
  2. It’s been scientifically proven that the term “bird brain” is a misnomer, spread by bird supporters to make you think they’re stupid, harmless creatures when in fact they’re plotting to take over the world.
  3. There are people who call themselves “ornithologists” AKA bird scientists. Don’t be fooled, though. Birds discovered that people think any person whose job title ends in “-ologist” is brilliant, so they infiltrated the science community with their disciples.
  4. They serve no purpose. “Ornithologists” would like you to think otherwise. They eat bugs, they do this, they do that, blah blah blah. No. Purpose. I wouldn't lie to you. Or grossly exaggerate. Ever. Seriously. I wouldn't.
  5. They swear a lot. A quick search of YouTube will bring up a literal shit ton of videos of birds cursing at their owners, who are too brainwashed to realize what’s really happening. Now, I curse like a sailor now and then but I draw the line at being called a fucking whore ass bitch by a parrot.

What’s Good?
Have you not been paying attention? Nothing.

What’s Bad?
No, seriously, have you not? Birds are obviously evil, with their fluttery wings and beady eyes and poop. Yet people just continue to find them harmless and amusing. Angry Birds? You might think that game is awesome, but take a closer look. It’s a horrifying depiction of war and violence against innocent pigs. The only honest look at birds I’ve seen in the media is the movie The Birds by Hitchcock. What many don’t know is that that movie is actually a documentary. Also, while I'm not 100% on this, I'm pretty sure they're responsible for the current state of the U.S. economy.

The Birds, a documentary by Alfred Hitchcock.
Final Score
0 out of 10. 0 out of 1,000,000. -10,000 out of 40,234,190.

I hate birds.

thrifty: dave ramsey is awesome, except when he isn't.

I have a history of addiction. Oh, don't worry, I won't bore you with all of them (yet) but besides tackling my health, I'm also paying down my debt like a boss. Thursdays are going to be all about thriftiness. Frugality. A spartan lifestyle. Except not really, because I'm not nearly that hardcore.

I like Dave Ramsey, don't get me wrong. I particularly like his snowball plan, which I've put into motion with great success. However, I think some of his advice is, well, batshit crazy. I don't think it's a smart decision to buy a piece of crap car because any monetary payoff (however slim that might be given maintenance costs) is not worth the hit to my piece of mind. As someone who already experiences the joys of anxiety, I don't want to have to deal with the thrill of wondering whether my car is going to start or not. I already drive a ten year old car, but it's a good old car, and Dave seems to think I should sell it and get a $500 car. Sorry, Dave, but no.

Tithing. I do not. Although I do send money to various organizations on (very) rare occasions. Like the ASPCA. But that's due to Sarah McLachlan, not Dave Ramsey.

I also haven't canceled every subscription. I gave up Comcast digital cable and DVR and HBO including True Blood goddamnit but you'd have to pry my Netflix streaming out of my cold, dead hands. I don't plan on selling everything. Or anything. I like my things and I don't see how selling a $700 bike for $200 is a good deal. Sure, there's $200 towards my debt but I like my bike. And my TV. And my PS3. And all my other crap.

What I have done is curb my spending dramatically. I was the queen of online shopping, but now I've created a new email address for my blog and my friends, and my old one I check very infrequently because it's littered with sales. If I check it once a month instead of once a day, most of those sales will be expired. I know it sounds stupid, but I can't tell you how many times I suddenly needed new clothes or shoes because I had a 20% off coupon.

I'm also a beauty junkie. I have an enormous amount of makeup, much of it mid to high end. The irony is that on a daily basis I use tinted moisturizer, concealer, generally the same bronze-y eyeshadow, and mascara. I'd buy expensive skin care when deep down I truly do believe drugstore is just as good. Point being, the only beauty type products I'll need to purchase in the next couple of years (honestly) are mascara, face wash, and lotion. That will honestly cut down my spending a lot.

Anyway, those are the changes I've made so far. My next challenge is lowering my grocery bill. There's only me here but I manage to spend a ton at the grocery store, mainly when I either buy things at random or don't bring a list.

My challenge for the next week is to spend no more than $40 at the grocery store, to include paper products, toiletries, whatever. Total bill cannot exceed $40, and it has to last me until next Friday. Definitely do-able.

picture: a quiet mind.

Wednesdays are cheat days picture days. I have an awesome camera that I barely know how to use so I thought it might motivate me to take more pictures. I also thought it might help those of you out there who find my biting wit hard to swallow. Ha.

This photo is a cop-out. It was taken in 2009 with my old camera because honestly I've been too busy trying to figure out basic HTML I knew by heart in 1997 but since I'm old now I've forgotten everything and I know this is a run-on sentence but I think maybe it'll help you to understand just how frustrating that is.

So, 2009. Sleeping Bear Dunes National Park, upper lower peninsula of Michigan. That is I in probably one of my favorite places in all the lands. There's a steep drop a few hundred feet down to Lake Michigan there, and it's just so peaceful. Until bands of idiot teenage boys go running down despite all the warning signs. Of course, the payoff is then you get to watch as they realize that getting back to the top is going to really, really suck.

My mom took this picture of me being all zen, and while there is a lot I wish I could change about my, uh, looks, I still like this picture because it reminds me of how damned happy I was sitting on the top of the world.

health: decreasing my risk.

If current trends continue, 100 percent of American adults will be overweight or obese by the year 2048. 
Stop Obesity Alliance
I want to lose weight. I have a lot to lose, so it's good that I want to lose it. The crazy thing about weight loss is that it's so damned simple and yet most people fail at it. There are a shit ton of crazy fad diets but the bottom line is that weight loss is simple math. Calories in, calories out. So why is it so difficult, then?

There's only one reason I'm fat: I eat too much and move too little. It's not genetics. I don't have big bones. I won't deny that there are people out there for which one of those statements might be true but it's not my truth. I eat junk and I eat too much of it.

Tuesdays will be about health. That might mean fitness, recipes, or just my ramblings on my progress at the time. Tuesdays will be about my journey to becoming the best me I can be, mentally and physically.

Today I wanted to just share a few startling facts about obesity in America. A major reason I want to lose weight is simply to be more comfortable in my own skin. To be able to physically do the things I want to do in life. Granted, I probably let my weight hold me back more than I should, and I don't believe that my self-worth is equivalent to the number on the scale. The mental aspect is something I'll be working on for the rest of my life, though, so back to today and the facts that go beyond how I feel. How about the big three:

  1. Increased risk for cancer.
  2. Increased risk for type 2 diabetes.
  3. Increased risk for coronary heart disease.
I don't want to just feel better. I want to be better. I want to know that I've done everything I can to live a long, healthy life. So, what am I going to do about it?

Other than blogging about it once a week, I'm going to start tracking my food. I downloaded the My Fitness Pal app to my phone months ago and I'm going to start using it. I'm going to start walking five times a week, 30 minutes a day. I'm not going to worry about speed or distance, I'm just going to focus on getting out there. For now, that's all. In a week or two I'll add in some strength training. I'll focus on whole foods and stay away from processed.

Sorry this isn't a very clever post, but I kind of needed this first one to be serious, you know?
It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not. James Gordon

rant: people who ignore merge signs are jerks.

There's an enormous amount of pressure in the first sentence of your first blog to be super witty so you don't fail before you even begin. Chances are pretty good nobody will read the post besides your mother and some poor sap who googled "Channing Tatum naked" and found this instead. Yet still you (and by you I mean I) will sit and stare at the blinking cursor despite the fact that you've (I've) even created a posting schedule to make things easier on yourself (myself).

Mondays will be rant days, because what better day to bitch about something than on a Monday when everyone is already kind of pissy anyway? Unless you're one of those people who loves Mondays, which means you're either a lottery winner who no longer needs to work or you're one of those myths I've heard about, those people who actually have a job they enjoy. If you fall into either of those categories you fill me with hatred good for you. Or you might be like me and have a shitty non-traditional work week and Monday is actually your Sunday (or Saturday). If none of those three things apply to you and you still enjoy Mondays, be aware that psychosis is a treatable mental illness. No, it is.

If there were a word that meant rant + ramble, that would probably be a more accurate description of what subsequent Mondays will be like here on mustsnark. All I can come up with right now is ranble which doesn't work for me. Suggestions are welcome but will probably be summarily dismissed.

Four paragraphs in, let's get to today's rant, and it's about merging. Specifically, people who ignore the multitudes of "LANE ENDS MERGE RIGHT" signs before just kind of sidling the side of the highway and the correct lane until they weasel their way over. Generally for me this occurs in two lane exit ramps that merge into one lane to get on another highway. It happens everyday.
Car A is an asshole. Fact.
I'm sure some might say that it reflects a defect of character on my part that something like this fills me with unbridled rage. Obviously if you think that, you represent Car A and are above basic rules like Don't Drive Like a Dick and deserve it when I lay on my horn, even though you probably won't hear it because I drive a 2002 Honda Civic and my horn sounds like a Power Wheels Barbie Jeeps'.

I know that this atrocity will continue until GM or Ford gets their shit together and we finally have cars that drive themselves like in Minority Report, which I was under the impression should have happened years ago but whatever. Until then, just try not to be such an oblivious jackass because I already have high blood pressure and I can't imagine this degree of daily seething is healthy for anyone.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...