review: my thoughts on birds.

It’s Friday, which means I’ll be reviewing something. Stop. Don’t go! I won’t bother reviewing things as humdrum as books or movies or music. No. My reviews will make your lives better. You’ll see.

In this edition of Friday Reviews (OMG so clever), I’ll be reviewing birds. Oh, I’ve got your interest now, have I? Thought so.

5 Fun Facts About Birds

  1. They’re really inappropriate. Does your mom or husband poop on your car? I hope not. But a bird will, because they’re jerks.
  2. It’s been scientifically proven that the term “bird brain” is a misnomer, spread by bird supporters to make you think they’re stupid, harmless creatures when in fact they’re plotting to take over the world.
  3. There are people who call themselves “ornithologists” AKA bird scientists. Don’t be fooled, though. Birds discovered that people think any person whose job title ends in “-ologist” is brilliant, so they infiltrated the science community with their disciples.
  4. They serve no purpose. “Ornithologists” would like you to think otherwise. They eat bugs, they do this, they do that, blah blah blah. No. Purpose. I wouldn't lie to you. Or grossly exaggerate. Ever. Seriously. I wouldn't.
  5. They swear a lot. A quick search of YouTube will bring up a literal shit ton of videos of birds cursing at their owners, who are too brainwashed to realize what’s really happening. Now, I curse like a sailor now and then but I draw the line at being called a fucking whore ass bitch by a parrot.

What’s Good?
Have you not been paying attention? Nothing.

What’s Bad?
No, seriously, have you not? Birds are obviously evil, with their fluttery wings and beady eyes and poop. Yet people just continue to find them harmless and amusing. Angry Birds? You might think that game is awesome, but take a closer look. It’s a horrifying depiction of war and violence against innocent pigs. The only honest look at birds I’ve seen in the media is the movie The Birds by Hitchcock. What many don’t know is that that movie is actually a documentary. Also, while I'm not 100% on this, I'm pretty sure they're responsible for the current state of the U.S. economy.

The Birds, a documentary by Alfred Hitchcock.
Final Score
0 out of 10. 0 out of 1,000,000. -10,000 out of 40,234,190.

I hate birds.
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